The 7 Things You Definitely Need From SkyMall’s Late Spring 2012 Catalog and a Craigslist Ad I Posted in Missed Connections

June 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

Alas, I had made it onto my flight and was safely nestled in my assigned seat, patiently waiting for my convoy’s departure. I dove into the seat pocket that lay in front of me, rummaging for literary treasure. My hand felt nothing. Where was it? After a brief moment of panic, my fingers slid across the golden magazine. SkyMall. Just what I was looking for. Oh, SkyMall, I do enjoy your trivial items. Your pages are packed with pleasure. I knew, as soon as I saw the cover endorsing Rosetta Stone, that this would be a glorious journey from Seattle to Boise. And how utterly glorious it was. Savor this journey as I relive it with you. Prepare for me to drop some knowledge on you fools with my 7 favorite items from the late spring 2012 catalog of SkyMall. I urge you, WITH NO SARCASTIC TONE WHATSOEVER, to make these absolutely necessary and crucial purchases. The items are listed in no particular order, as they are all purchases every single one of you should make anyways.

1) Orbitwheels

Orbitwheels are not what people might refer to as a “fad.” Orbitwheels are here to stay, I guarantee you. “A cross between a skateboard and inline skates,” Orbitwheels make you look like someone that doesn’t know what they’re doing, no matter what it is that they’re doing. “Two feet, two wheels… and you’re ready to go.” For a price of only $99.99, you can get the Orbitwheels and in turn, lose the possibility of going anywhere with anyone if you’re gonna be in public.

2) Gravity Defyer Advanced Technology Footwear

“Invented by scientists at Impact Research Technology, Gravity Defyer’s exclusive VersoShock Trampoline launches you from the Earth.” WHOA, slow down, SCIENTISTS MADE THESE?! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Aren’t those the same guys that are trying to cure cancer? Heavy stuff! (Gravity defying pun intended). These must be the real deal. “Scientifically engineered to defy gravity,” Gravity Defyer footwear boasts a plethora of features, including the illusion of helping you appear UP TO 2 INCHES TALLER. YOWSA, LADIES! Dr. Arnold Ross says, “They are such high quality shoes. I even wear them myself!” Do you need to hear any more? WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU STILL READING THIS FOR?! GO BUY THEM! $129.95.

3) The Koozy Kaddy

Do you love competitive drinking? Do you hate not having somewhere to keep your drink cold? Do you have a hard time keeping track of how many drinks you’ve had? If you answered yes to those three questions, this product was made for you. “The Koozy Kaddy, with integrated scoring system, is a raised drink holder for both indoor and outdoor use… Bring the Koozy Kaddy to the beach, tailgating, camping – anywhere.” Might I suggest your son’s Little League games or possibly that boring, unimportant City Council meeting you have to go to each month? $35.99 with scoreboard, $29.99 without.

4) SkyRest Travel Pillow

This person is able to sleep comfortably in any seat! Can you say the same?

Probably not, unless you have SkyRest!

That was an actual part of the ad in the magazine. They didn’t have a picture of it online but I wanted you to enjoy it like I did. Anyways, Dailycandy.com, a staple in the travel pillow review world, says “The miraculous, wedge-shaped travel pillow makes even the most uncomfortable spots downright pleasant.” Sure thing, SkyRest. You’ll be downright pleasant until I’m diagnosed with a mean case of scoliosis from leaning forward throughout every flight. Look at that dude’s back in the picture. $29.95.

5) iGrow Laser Hair Rejuvenation System

        

Not only is this a hair rejuvenation system, but it also includes a built-in MP3/iPod interface and high quality headphones. One thing that does suck about the built-in MP3/iPod interface though is that you can only play techno and dubstep on it. Ok, that’s obviously not true. But it should be. That’d make this product way more intriguing. I don’t have much else to say about this, I just though it looked pretty sweet. Also, if you don’t need a hair rejuvenation system, but you’re looking for an almost authentic Tron helmet, this could do the job if you’ve got a little bit of spray paint on hand.

6) “Passing the Bar” Board Game

“The perfect gift for law students and lawyers.” Perfect in particular for lawyers that take their craft as a goddamn joke and law students that are 9 years old. Sorry to say it, but if you’re studying to pass a Bar Examination with a board game, maybe you need to rethink your career path and consider something less intense like janitorial services, or taco folding.  $69.99 (but definitely a worthwhile investment if you actually become a lawyer because of it… God help us all.)

7) CarLashes

Have you ever wondered what kind of accessories the Golden Girls had on their cars? Well, this very well could have been one of them. “Pretty up your car – and a wink of personality too. These 8.5 inch-long lashes securely affix with a double-stick adhesive (provided) that won’t damage your paint job; if anything, they’ll ensure that your car is turning heads everywhere you go.” Oh, yes, they most certainly will, that’s for sure. I’ve long wondered what women could do to their cars to show they’re rich, egotistical, AND tacky, and this is the answer that I’ve been searching for. Finally, an accessory that meets all three criteria! “Optional eyeliner strips add additional sparkle.” If you don’t think the CarLashes alone will be enough of an attention-grabber for strangers, really spice it up with that option. CarLashes $29.95, Diamond Eyeliner $26.95, Pink Crystal Eyeliner $26.95.

Thanks for reading that, but it’s time to dazzle you with romantic humor. Love is hard. This is a Craigslist ad I posted in the Missed Connections section in Boise. I’ve gotten zero replies 😦 Click on the pic to see it larger.




I’ll leave you with a video you should watch. It’s this guy named Jeff Dunham who does super funny ventriloquist comedy. PSYCH! It’s not Jeff Dunham, you absolutely awful person that thinks Jeff Dunham is funny. It’s this guy named Carey O’Donnell doing a hilarious dating service video. He’s one-half of @NotTildaSwinton on Twitter and his personal account is @ecareyo. Follow both of them if you have Twitter. He’s super funny.

Advertisements

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for June, 2012 at Cool Beans.