Wheel of Fortune

May 15, 2012 § Leave a comment

One of my dreams in life is to become the head of the prize department for Wheel of Fortune. This may seem like a strange and unconventional dream to have, but hear me out. First of all, you would get to work with Pat Sajak and Vanna White, who are both true visionaries that used to get plastered off cheap margaritas before some of the show’s tapings. That is true if you didn’t know. Not making that up. On their lunch break, they used to walk across the street in between tapings to a bar that offered margarita specials and they would have 6 or 7 before returning to the studio across the street to do more tapings in the afternoon. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Secondly, your job would involve bringing joy to others by coordinating very strange and obscure prizes to give away. Outlandish shit and giveaways? Count me in! Lastly, and most importantly, you get to pick what you want to give away to people. And you get to give it away on national television with thousands upon thousands of elderly folk taking it in. You can only imagine the gratification it would give you. However, this is what I would do: I would give away really shitty, expensive, borderline illegal prizes. Think of it as receiving a backhanded compliment in prize form. It would be indescribably satisfying to do that to people in front of a massive audience. These are a few of the prizes I’d give away to give you a better idea of what I’m trying to convey:

  • 100 10-gallon drums of chloroform
  • An all expenses paid trip to Cuba
  • Hang gliding lessons from Stephen Hawking
  • OJ Simpson’s white Ford Bronco, along with his gloves
  • A year’s worth of free pregnancy tests, Plan B pills, AND abortions
  • Three diamond encrusted coffins

The joy I would take from being able to do this would be immeasurable. I could, as a realistic possibility, make a 90-year-old’s narrow mind explode at the thought of the most fucked up prizes being given away so nonchalantly on national TV. There are a few other factors to this idea though.

As you might recall, sometimes prizes are taken away from contestants when they land on “Bankrupt”. This would create for an amazing TV moment. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” I don’t know why I used the name Todd. It seems like people named Todd would want to go on Wheel of Fortune more so than people with other names. If your name is Todd and you are confused or hurt by my choice, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m not taking it back. Get over it. Anyways, I got off topic. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” And after he said that, the camera would pan to Todd, who would express either extreme disappointment with the loss of their treasured prizes (like they do now) or immense relief at the fact they don’t have to go to a foreign country like Cuba or store ONE THOUSAND GALLONS of chloroform at their house like some sort of date rape aficionado.

Another fun little change I thought could be made to enhance the game: instead of giving out X amount of money as shown on the wheel for each letter on the board that is there, perhaps use X amount of tuna cans, or even X amount of used car mufflers. Maybe hand grenades. Perhaps ninja stars. I don’t know, just throwing ideas around here.

Furthermore, it’d be funny to put one terrible prize on the wheel along with a terrific group of other prizes. For this though, you would have to require the contestants to accept and go through with their prizes. As an example, this would be one of the prize banks for a game if I were in charge:

  • An all expenses paid trip to Hawaii
  • An hour-long cooking lesson with Emeril Lagasse
  • A brand new Chevy Silverado
  • $10,000 cash
  • An airstrike on a quaint Belgian village of your personal choosing

You can only imagine the drama that would unfold. Must-watch television? Most certainly. Wheel of Fortune would reign king among the ratings. And a worthy king it would be.

ATTENTION- To whom it may concern: For prospective employers that are interested in this idea as well as my services (Wheel of Fortune…?!), you may contact me at Numb3r1BelgiumH8er@aol.com.

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