May 15, 2012 § Leave a comment
One of my dreams in life is to become the head of the prize department for Wheel of Fortune. This may seem like a strange and unconventional dream to have, but hear me out. First of all, you would get to work with Pat Sajak and Vanna White, who are both true visionaries that used to get plastered off cheap margaritas before some of the show’s tapings. That is true if you didn’t know. Not making that up. On their lunch break, they used to walk across the street in between tapings to a bar that offered margarita specials and they would have 6 or 7 before returning to the studio across the street to do more tapings in the afternoon. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Secondly, your job would involve bringing joy to others by coordinating very strange and obscure prizes to give away. Outlandish shit and giveaways? Count me in! Lastly, and most importantly, you get to pick what you want to give away to people. And you get to give it away on national television with thousands upon thousands of elderly folk taking it in. You can only imagine the gratification it would give you. However, this is what I would do: I would give away really shitty, expensive, borderline illegal prizes. Think of it as receiving a backhanded compliment in prize form. It would be indescribably satisfying to do that to people in front of a massive audience. These are a few of the prizes I’d give away to give you a better idea of what I’m trying to convey:
- 100 10-gallon drums of chloroform
- An all expenses paid trip to Cuba
- Hang gliding lessons from Stephen Hawking
- OJ Simpson’s white Ford Bronco, along with his gloves
- A year’s worth of free pregnancy tests, Plan B pills, AND abortions
- Three diamond encrusted coffins
The joy I would take from being able to do this would be immeasurable. I could, as a realistic possibility, make a 90-year-old’s narrow mind explode at the thought of the most fucked up prizes being given away so nonchalantly on national TV. There are a few other factors to this idea though.
As you might recall, sometimes prizes are taken away from contestants when they land on “Bankrupt”. This would create for an amazing TV moment. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” I don’t know why I used the name Todd. It seems like people named Todd would want to go on Wheel of Fortune more so than people with other names. If your name is Todd and you are confused or hurt by my choice, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m not taking it back. Get over it. Anyways, I got off topic. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” And after he said that, the camera would pan to Todd, who would express either extreme disappointment with the loss of their treasured prizes (like they do now) or immense relief at the fact they don’t have to go to a foreign country like Cuba or store ONE THOUSAND GALLONS of chloroform at their house like some sort of date rape aficionado.
Another fun little change I thought could be made to enhance the game: instead of giving out X amount of money as shown on the wheel for each letter on the board that is there, perhaps use X amount of tuna cans, or even X amount of used car mufflers. Maybe hand grenades. Perhaps ninja stars. I don’t know, just throwing ideas around here.
Furthermore, it’d be funny to put one terrible prize on the wheel along with a terrific group of other prizes. For this though, you would have to require the contestants to accept and go through with their prizes. As an example, this would be one of the prize banks for a game if I were in charge:
- An all expenses paid trip to Hawaii
- An hour-long cooking lesson with Emeril Lagasse
- A brand new Chevy Silverado
- $10,000 cash
- An airstrike on a quaint Belgian village of your personal choosing
You can only imagine the drama that would unfold. Must-watch television? Most certainly. Wheel of Fortune would reign king among the ratings. And a worthy king it would be.
ATTENTION- To whom it may concern: For prospective employers that are interested in this idea as well as my services (Wheel of Fortune…?!), you may contact me at Numb3r1BelgiumH8er@aol.com.
May 10, 2012 § Leave a comment
Many people have lookalikes. One time I was told I bear a striking resemblance to John Stamos. OK, it was “You look a little like John Stamos and a lot like Steve Buscemi.” But hey, I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET. Connections are harder to ascertain with some people more than others though. So I got bored and decided to do this. Is Pau Gasol part rooster? Did Chris Bosh come from a family of velociraptors? Is Kenneth Faried a real Na’vi? You be the judge.
Pau Gasol vs. Rooster
Chris Bosh vs. Velociraptor
Al Harrington vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
George Karl vs. Yoda
Kenneth Faried vs. Na’vi
Delonte West vs. Leprechaun
Andre Miller vs. Donkey
Nick Collison vs. Scott Tenorman
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: A friend recently brought to my attention a video that’s been gaining popularity around the interwebs. Before you leave this page and go on with your day, please take a few minutes to appreciate this man’s talent and help him achieve his dream of becoming a superstar rapper. Since rap and basketball go together like crystal meth use and exorbitant dental bills, I felt this was appropriate to include. Dude’s got bars on bars on bars. These are a few of my personal favorites:
- I’ve made out with so many girls / Made out with every girl in the world / I might look small but I’m not / I don’t care if you’re big, I’ll fight you a lot
- Plus Beyonce thinks that I’m cute / It’s okay Beyonce I think you’re cute too
- I had to fight my whole life / I could beat you up even if you had one thousand knives / Even if you had infinity knives / I would punch you up into the air like a kite / I bet you sleep with a night light / ‘Cause you’re scared of the dark / ‘Cause you stink like a fart
- I have 400 cars / I have 400 scars and 400 guitars / I have 400 houses / I have 400 mouses and 400 houses
In the spirit of dope rhymes, adios for now muchachos, I’m off to eat some nachos. Enjoy.