5 Things About Me, Matt

April 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hey here are 5 things about Matt:

 
1) He is resourceful.

  • Although he’s 21 and a junior in college, he still uses his parents’ Netflix and Hulu Plus subscriptions.
  • When he runs out of cream cheese but still has bagels around, he uses the remnants of his oft-abused Nutella spread.
  • Why open 10 individual windows on Firefox when tabs have been available since circa sometime that the Internet has been around?
  • He uses Google and Wikipedia on the daily.
  • He once used the back end of a hammer to alleviate his wrap rage (Look it up on Wikipedia. Also: see point made above).

2) He does extensive research on important political issues before sharing his opinion.

  • He watches CNN.
  • He watches Fox News.
  • He watches MSNBC.
  • He watches Jon Stewart.
  • He watches Stephen Colbert.
  • He watches Bill Maher.
  • (Last 3 he doesn’t watch in a stalker-ey way, but like the news programs they have).
  • He’s been to al-Jazeera’s website on more than one occasion.
  • Books are for fools.

3) He’s mature beyond his years.

  • He studies hard. Long and hard. SO long, and SO hard.
  • He actually goes to class and realizes that class is not simply him having a conversation with the teacher (which most people 2-3 times his age do not seem to realize or even consider).
  • He doesn’t make “your mom” jokes.
  • Sometimes he eats salad.
  • He thinks dubstep is cool for a song or two, but on the whole, is a retarded concept and genre.
  • He feels bad if you try to make him feel bad about using words like “retarded”.
  • Your retarded mom’s a joke.

4) He can relate to commoners and laymen.

  • He hates rollie backpacks, just like you!
  • This one time he bought a round of drinks for his friends at this one bar.
  • He’s polite and says “please” and “thank you” even to lowly serfs and peasants.
  • He doesn’t know proper grammar or punctuation, especially where to put commas, in sentences…?

5) He has his flaws too.

  • He weighs 340 pounds and sometimes he lies.
  • He gets lazy at the end of posts and shortens the number of bullets he uses because fuck it.
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A Breakdown of Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” As Seen Through My Eyes. Plus: Tweets That Were Too Long to Post!

April 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

The following is an unfiltered look into my perspectives on Clay Aiken’s hit single “Invisible”. I hope you enjoy it a lot. Or a little. Or not at all. As long as you still read the whole thing, it doesn’t really matter to me to be honest. Also, at the end of this, I’ve included some tweets that were too long to post. Thanks.

Oh-oh-ohh

Oh!

What she doin’ tonight?

Valid question. Normal enough.

I wish I could be a fly on your wall.

This is questionable. Why do you want to be a fly on her wall? Take it easy. Are you creepy in a sexual context or do you simply enjoy girl talk? Lots of other possibilities here.

Are you really alone? Who’s stealing dreams?

Whoa. Excuse me? The thievery of dreams sure is a bold claim. What’s the connection between being alone and having dreams stolen? I have much to learn from you, wise one.

Why can’t I breathe you into my life?

Because life isn’t a fucking fairy tale and that’s impossible. Also, I’m assuming this woman isn’t made of oxygen, nitrogen, water vapor, argon, carbon dioxide and other trace gases. Who knew chemistry would come into this analysis?

(So tell me) What would it take to make you see that I’m alive?

Start off with admitting you’re gay. That’s usually an effective attention grabber. Then maybe introduce yourself. Actually, introduce yourself first. Then tell her you’re gay. That’s probably more natural. Don’t be like “Hey, I’m gay… and my name’s Clay.” Be more like “Hey I’m Clay… and I am also gay.” The second introduction is definitely morganic (more organic) than the first intro, although she might be turned off when you tell her that you’re gay, seeing as you have no interest in her as a compatible sexual partner.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

Wherever this is going, I don’t like it. Hypothetically, if you were invisible though, why waste your time watching someone in their room when you could be doing cool stuff. For example, you could be licking people’s ice cream cones. Or, you could change the song at a bar to Banana Phone by Raffi. One more funny thing you could do is bake a cake at one of your friends’ houses. That one would be funny because they’d probably be like “Oh my God! This is so creepy! There’s a mystery cake in the oven!” But then they’d probably be like “But this cake does smell delicious. And I’m not stuck up enough to pass up free baked goods, so thanks, Mr. phantom baker. OM NOM NOM NOM.”

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight

The fact you have to be invincible to make her yours tonight implies that you might be doing some raping. Most people don’t like rape so personally, I would stay away from the raping. This could also indicate the false feeling of invincibility you’ve gotten from possibly being on a plethora of steroids. Roid rage is hard to control when you’re under the influence of such a cocktail, so I hope this isn’t the case either.

If hearts were unbreakable
And I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man

Pretty sure the ability to tell someone where you stand isn’t an appropriate measure of intelligence, but golly gee, what do I know, I’m just a simple small-town boy from Washington, not some big city slicker like yous is Mr. Aiken.

If I was invisible
Wait, I already am

Oh, shit! Plot twist! Now you should be able to realize your abundance of intelligence and supernatural strength.

Saw your face in the crowd, I call out your name
You don’t hear a sound

The trait of invisibility doesn’t necessarily mean that people can’t hear you. This is a long-standing misconception in popular culture that I’d like to address and eventually eliminate. Consider this my first step towards raising awareness about this critical issue.

I keep tracing your steps, each move that you make

Why do you have to trace her steps? I thought you were invisible? If that’s the case, you should have been following her. Stop losing focus and playing detective to try to catch up Clay. Keep your eye on the prize.

Wish I could read what goes through your mind

This is wishful thinking that most people make at one point or another. I’ll allow it, but watch yourself Aiken.

(Oh baby) Wish you could touch me with the colors of your light

I don’t know what you mean by this, so I’ll pass.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

Once more, there are so many better things you could be doing. Like redirecting the ball in an intense game of water polo. Or perhaps psyching out fishermen that think they have a fish on their line. Maybe even doing quadratic equations on your 2nd grade teacher’s whiteboard. That’d be spooky.

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
And I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
Wait, I already am

This fact is not nearly as surprising this time around. Most of its shock value was lost the first time it was said (what a magician would call its “reveal”).

(I’d make you mine tonight) Invisible
I reach out but you don’t even feel me

You’re invisible. It’s not the same as being a ghost, God damn it! If you’re just invisible, she should be able to feel you. So maybe she did feel you and she’s just ignoring you. She could be ignoring you for a number of factors. One factor could be the aforementioned fact that you’re gay and have no sexual interest in her. Another could be that she thinks you’re really weird because she knows you’ve been following her and hanging out on her wall. Last but not least, she might just be trying to convince herself that she didn’t feel anything since she can’t see you because of said invisibility.

Even when I scream out
Baby, you don’t hear me (you don’t hear me)

Probably because she doesn’t want to hear you because she’s sick of you being a whiny little bitch.

I am nothing without you

This is pathetic man. Pull yourself together. You never even talked to her face-to-face! You were so scared and shy that you begged to be invisible merely so you could be in her presence!

Just a shadow passin’ through
(Invisible, Invisible, Invisible, Invisible)

Isn’t this a line from a My Chemical Romance song? Plagiarism is illegal and a serious, punishable offense that could result in jail time so be careful with what you say dude.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

More things that would be better to do if you were invisible: Push kickstands up on bikes and watch the panicked frenzy of their owners. Creepily whisper in peoples’ ears, “I want to dip you in barbeque sauce, my little tender”. Punch Manny Pacquiao in the face. Steal gypsy treasures.

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight

Settle down, incredibly hulky Aiken. Brute strength is not the way to a woman’s heart, unless you are trying to literally dissect it. I don’t know, maybe try buying her flowers or chocolate before you get all Bobby Brown on her. Don’t say that was too soon. Even if it was, you didn’t know Whitney Houston. And if you did, thanks for reading this blog! I feel honored!

If hearts were unbreakable

…which they aren’t.

And I could just tell you where I stand

Do it.

I would be the smartest man

Bold. I’m still gonna have to go with Stephen Hawking or Neil deGrasse Tyson regardless of where you stand, since you’re Clay Aiken and all.

If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)

Thanks for emphasizing one of the creepiest lines in the song and closing strong. Well played you smooth operator.

And now, for some tweets that were too long to post:

  • My favorite board game is Jumanji. However, my friend, Larry Schmidt, prefers Jewmanji, which is pretty much the same except it’s spelled different because he’s Jewish and I was too lazy to write a punchline.
  • I’m terrified that one day I’m gonna get BLACKOUT DRUNK, tell my friends it’d be a great idea to get a tattoo, go to a tattoo parlor, belligerently say “it’s time to face the facts,” and then mistakenly tell the tattoo artist to tattoo the words “THE FACTS” on my face with arrows pointing to various areas of my face. Then (here’s the kicker), still belligerent, I’ll order a slice of PIZZA when I should really order a SALAD!
  • The next person to tell me that the only prescription for their fever is more cowbell will promptly be prescribed a fiery coronation of burning Sriracha sauce to the eyes and a samurai sword to the cranium.
  • No one told me, but apparently, “There’s just something about you” loses its luster as a good flirtatious line when you follow it with, “And I wanna spew my man goo all over your chitty chitty bang bangs.”

Where Am I?

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