My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

March 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

Observation 1:

Ron Paul. Looks like Santa’s top elf.
Rick Santorum. Would blow Ronald Reagan given the opportunity in “The Situation Room”.
Mitt Romney. A warm glass of him before bed could put me to sleep for 4 (or 8) years.
Newt Gingrich. He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 2:

Ron Paul. Never trust a man with two first names.
Rick Santorum. More like Rick SanBORE’EM. AM I RIGHT!?
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich. Fatty fatty face gonna stuff his fatty face with cake whether he wins or loses.

Observation 3:

Ron Paul. I bet his hands smell like cabbage.
Rick Santorum. I don’t like his face. Not one bit.
Mitt Romney. Could probably add some serious spice to his personality by simply wearing a monocle.
Newt Gingrich. Probably likes fudge too much.

Observation 4:

Ron Paul. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Rick Santorum. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Mitt Romney. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Newt Gingrich. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.

Observation 5:

Ron Paul. Fuck this guy.
Rick Santorum. Fuck this guy.
Mitt Romney. Fuck this guy.
Newt Gingrich. Fuck this guy.

Observation 6:

Ron Paul. He might be second cousins with Gollum.
Rick Santorum. I seriously hate his face so bad.
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich: He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 7:

Ron Paul. Looks like he was born to be a great puppeteer.
Rick Santorum. Has a smile like a goddamn 15-year-old acne-faced nerd posing for pictures at Homecoming with the hottest girl in the school.
Mitt Romney. Has dazzling hair that shimmers in the moonlight. I’ll give him that.
Newt Gingrich. Played basketball as a child solely to develop perfect cookie jar form for thievery.

Observation 8:

Ron Paul. Might be a little too into dragons.
Rick Santorum. Might be a little too into dragons.
Mitt Romney. Probably not into dragons enough.
Newt Gingrich. By the looks of it, definitely way too into dragons.

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