How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

March 13, 2012 § Leave a comment

Keep texting him.

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My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

March 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

Observation 1:

Ron Paul. Looks like Santa’s top elf.
Rick Santorum. Would blow Ronald Reagan given the opportunity in “The Situation Room”.
Mitt Romney. A warm glass of him before bed could put me to sleep for 4 (or 8) years.
Newt Gingrich. He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 2:

Ron Paul. Never trust a man with two first names.
Rick Santorum. More like Rick SanBORE’EM. AM I RIGHT!?
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich. Fatty fatty face gonna stuff his fatty face with cake whether he wins or loses.

Observation 3:

Ron Paul. I bet his hands smell like cabbage.
Rick Santorum. I don’t like his face. Not one bit.
Mitt Romney. Could probably add some serious spice to his personality by simply wearing a monocle.
Newt Gingrich. Probably likes fudge too much.

Observation 4:

Ron Paul. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Rick Santorum. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Mitt Romney. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Newt Gingrich. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.

Observation 5:

Ron Paul. Fuck this guy.
Rick Santorum. Fuck this guy.
Mitt Romney. Fuck this guy.
Newt Gingrich. Fuck this guy.

Observation 6:

Ron Paul. He might be second cousins with Gollum.
Rick Santorum. I seriously hate his face so bad.
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich: He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 7:

Ron Paul. Looks like he was born to be a great puppeteer.
Rick Santorum. Has a smile like a goddamn 15-year-old acne-faced nerd posing for pictures at Homecoming with the hottest girl in the school.
Mitt Romney. Has dazzling hair that shimmers in the moonlight. I’ll give him that.
Newt Gingrich. Played basketball as a child solely to develop perfect cookie jar form for thievery.

Observation 8:

Ron Paul. Might be a little too into dragons.
Rick Santorum. Might be a little too into dragons.
Mitt Romney. Probably not into dragons enough.
Newt Gingrich. By the looks of it, definitely way too into dragons.

Ello.

March 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

So I guess I should start off by saying, I have no idea what people typically put on a blog, so just bear with me here. I might be awful at writing, I might offend you, and I might make completely stupid points, but DEAL WITH IT COMPADRE. THIS IS AMERICA. AND LIKE AMERICA, YOU CAN LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT. Kapish? Cool. I think that went well.

I’d first off like to tell you a few things about myself. I have ocean blue eyes, enjoy vanilla bean candles, and am bondage friendly. SHOOT. JK. That was my draft for my eHarmony description. Let’s start over.

I’d first off like to tell you a few things about myself. I have ocean blue eyes, enjoy vanilla bean candles, and ❤ a nice, cold Flaming Dr. Pepper. And I’m definitely anti-bondage (*wink & finger pistols*). That’s better.

Here are my views on a few keynote issues and hot topics:

  1. Religion – don’t give a shit
  2. Abortion – don’t give two shits
  3. Butter – pro-butter
  4. They’re/their/there – don’t fuck them up
  5. Orange juice – delicious
  6. Apple juice – more delicious
  7. Slavery – bad stuff
  8. Top hats – I enjoy top hats
  9. Using “phat” instead of “fat” – all for it

I’m not quite sure what direction to go in here because I have absolutely no plan for this blog. I’ll probably just post on what’s going on in the news because, shit, I don’t have the mind or the work ethic to develop background for anything that’s going to be funny. That’s probably why I suck at Twitter. But hey, accepting it is the first step on the road to recovery. Or in this case, the first step in something other than the road to recovery I guess. Or I might post about anything else. I’ll keep it a surprise. I like surprises. Surprises are nice.

So buckle up, you little shitheads. That’s all for me tonight. Good night, my buttercups (remember the pro-butter thing earlier? When I say buttercups, that means I’m pro-you guys. Totally linked that shit up… DAMN I’M GOOD).

Fuck bitches, get money,
M-Bizzle
God is Love,
Rev Run

Farewell my noble steeds,
Sir Matthew

I love you,
Your Secret Admirer

Where Am I?

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