The 7 Things You Definitely Need From SkyMall’s Late Spring 2012 Catalog and a Craigslist Ad I Posted in Missed Connections

June 22, 2012 § Leave a comment

Alas, I had made it onto my flight and was safely nestled in my assigned seat, patiently waiting for my convoy’s departure. I dove into the seat pocket that lay in front of me, rummaging for literary treasure. My hand felt nothing. Where was it? After a brief moment of panic, my fingers slid across the golden magazine. SkyMall. Just what I was looking for. Oh, SkyMall, I do enjoy your trivial items. Your pages are packed with pleasure. I knew, as soon as I saw the cover endorsing Rosetta Stone, that this would be a glorious journey from Seattle to Boise. And how utterly glorious it was. Savor this journey as I relive it with you. Prepare for me to drop some knowledge on you fools with my 7 favorite items from the late spring 2012 catalog of SkyMall. I urge you, WITH NO SARCASTIC TONE WHATSOEVER, to make these absolutely necessary and crucial purchases. The items are listed in no particular order, as they are all purchases every single one of you should make anyways.

1) Orbitwheels

Orbitwheels are not what people might refer to as a “fad.” Orbitwheels are here to stay, I guarantee you. “A cross between a skateboard and inline skates,” Orbitwheels make you look like someone that doesn’t know what they’re doing, no matter what it is that they’re doing. “Two feet, two wheels… and you’re ready to go.” For a price of only $99.99, you can get the Orbitwheels and in turn, lose the possibility of going anywhere with anyone if you’re gonna be in public.

2) Gravity Defyer Advanced Technology Footwear

“Invented by scientists at Impact Research Technology, Gravity Defyer’s exclusive VersoShock Trampoline launches you from the Earth.” WHOA, slow down, SCIENTISTS MADE THESE?! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Aren’t those the same guys that are trying to cure cancer? Heavy stuff! (Gravity defying pun intended). These must be the real deal. “Scientifically engineered to defy gravity,” Gravity Defyer footwear boasts a plethora of features, including the illusion of helping you appear UP TO 2 INCHES TALLER. YOWSA, LADIES! Dr. Arnold Ross says, “They are such high quality shoes. I even wear them myself!” Do you need to hear any more? WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU STILL READING THIS FOR?! GO BUY THEM! $129.95.

3) The Koozy Kaddy

Do you love competitive drinking? Do you hate not having somewhere to keep your drink cold? Do you have a hard time keeping track of how many drinks you’ve had? If you answered yes to those three questions, this product was made for you. “The Koozy Kaddy, with integrated scoring system, is a raised drink holder for both indoor and outdoor use… Bring the Koozy Kaddy to the beach, tailgating, camping – anywhere.” Might I suggest your son’s Little League games or possibly that boring, unimportant City Council meeting you have to go to each month? $35.99 with scoreboard, $29.99 without.

4) SkyRest Travel Pillow

This person is able to sleep comfortably in any seat! Can you say the same?

Probably not, unless you have SkyRest!

That was an actual part of the ad in the magazine. They didn’t have a picture of it online but I wanted you to enjoy it like I did. Anyways, Dailycandy.com, a staple in the travel pillow review world, says “The miraculous, wedge-shaped travel pillow makes even the most uncomfortable spots downright pleasant.” Sure thing, SkyRest. You’ll be downright pleasant until I’m diagnosed with a mean case of scoliosis from leaning forward throughout every flight. Look at that dude’s back in the picture. $29.95.

5) iGrow Laser Hair Rejuvenation System

        

Not only is this a hair rejuvenation system, but it also includes a built-in MP3/iPod interface and high quality headphones. One thing that does suck about the built-in MP3/iPod interface though is that you can only play techno and dubstep on it. Ok, that’s obviously not true. But it should be. That’d make this product way more intriguing. I don’t have much else to say about this, I just though it looked pretty sweet. Also, if you don’t need a hair rejuvenation system, but you’re looking for an almost authentic Tron helmet, this could do the job if you’ve got a little bit of spray paint on hand.

6) “Passing the Bar” Board Game

“The perfect gift for law students and lawyers.” Perfect in particular for lawyers that take their craft as a goddamn joke and law students that are 9 years old. Sorry to say it, but if you’re studying to pass a Bar Examination with a board game, maybe you need to rethink your career path and consider something less intense like janitorial services, or taco folding.  $69.99 (but definitely a worthwhile investment if you actually become a lawyer because of it… God help us all.)

7) CarLashes

Have you ever wondered what kind of accessories the Golden Girls had on their cars? Well, this very well could have been one of them. “Pretty up your car – and a wink of personality too. These 8.5 inch-long lashes securely affix with a double-stick adhesive (provided) that won’t damage your paint job; if anything, they’ll ensure that your car is turning heads everywhere you go.” Oh, yes, they most certainly will, that’s for sure. I’ve long wondered what women could do to their cars to show they’re rich, egotistical, AND tacky, and this is the answer that I’ve been searching for. Finally, an accessory that meets all three criteria! “Optional eyeliner strips add additional sparkle.” If you don’t think the CarLashes alone will be enough of an attention-grabber for strangers, really spice it up with that option. CarLashes $29.95, Diamond Eyeliner $26.95, Pink Crystal Eyeliner $26.95.

Thanks for reading that, but it’s time to dazzle you with romantic humor. Love is hard. This is a Craigslist ad I posted in the Missed Connections section in Boise. I’ve gotten zero replies 😦 Click on the pic to see it larger.




I’ll leave you with a video you should watch. It’s this guy named Jeff Dunham who does super funny ventriloquist comedy. PSYCH! It’s not Jeff Dunham, you absolutely awful person that thinks Jeff Dunham is funny. It’s this guy named Carey O’Donnell doing a hilarious dating service video. He’s one-half of @NotTildaSwinton on Twitter and his personal account is @ecareyo. Follow both of them if you have Twitter. He’s super funny.

Wheel of Fortune

May 15, 2012 § Leave a comment

One of my dreams in life is to become the head of the prize department for Wheel of Fortune. This may seem like a strange and unconventional dream to have, but hear me out. First of all, you would get to work with Pat Sajak and Vanna White, who are both true visionaries that used to get plastered off cheap margaritas before some of the show’s tapings. That is true if you didn’t know. Not making that up. On their lunch break, they used to walk across the street in between tapings to a bar that offered margarita specials and they would have 6 or 7 before returning to the studio across the street to do more tapings in the afternoon. Pretty awesome if you ask me. Secondly, your job would involve bringing joy to others by coordinating very strange and obscure prizes to give away. Outlandish shit and giveaways? Count me in! Lastly, and most importantly, you get to pick what you want to give away to people. And you get to give it away on national television with thousands upon thousands of elderly folk taking it in. You can only imagine the gratification it would give you. However, this is what I would do: I would give away really shitty, expensive, borderline illegal prizes. Think of it as receiving a backhanded compliment in prize form. It would be indescribably satisfying to do that to people in front of a massive audience. These are a few of the prizes I’d give away to give you a better idea of what I’m trying to convey:

  • 100 10-gallon drums of chloroform
  • An all expenses paid trip to Cuba
  • Hang gliding lessons from Stephen Hawking
  • OJ Simpson’s white Ford Bronco, along with his gloves
  • A year’s worth of free pregnancy tests, Plan B pills, AND abortions
  • Three diamond encrusted coffins

The joy I would take from being able to do this would be immeasurable. I could, as a realistic possibility, make a 90-year-old’s narrow mind explode at the thought of the most fucked up prizes being given away so nonchalantly on national TV. There are a few other factors to this idea though.

As you might recall, sometimes prizes are taken away from contestants when they land on “Bankrupt”. This would create for an amazing TV moment. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” I don’t know why I used the name Todd. It seems like people named Todd would want to go on Wheel of Fortune more so than people with other names. If your name is Todd and you are confused or hurt by my choice, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m not taking it back. Get over it. Anyways, I got off topic. Pat Sajak would have to do the customary “Oh that’s too bad, Todd, but you know what that means.” And after he said that, the camera would pan to Todd, who would express either extreme disappointment with the loss of their treasured prizes (like they do now) or immense relief at the fact they don’t have to go to a foreign country like Cuba or store ONE THOUSAND GALLONS of chloroform at their house like some sort of date rape aficionado.

Another fun little change I thought could be made to enhance the game: instead of giving out X amount of money as shown on the wheel for each letter on the board that is there, perhaps use X amount of tuna cans, or even X amount of used car mufflers. Maybe hand grenades. Perhaps ninja stars. I don’t know, just throwing ideas around here.

Furthermore, it’d be funny to put one terrible prize on the wheel along with a terrific group of other prizes. For this though, you would have to require the contestants to accept and go through with their prizes. As an example, this would be one of the prize banks for a game if I were in charge:

  • An all expenses paid trip to Hawaii
  • An hour-long cooking lesson with Emeril Lagasse
  • A brand new Chevy Silverado
  • $10,000 cash
  • An airstrike on a quaint Belgian village of your personal choosing

You can only imagine the drama that would unfold. Must-watch television? Most certainly. Wheel of Fortune would reign king among the ratings. And a worthy king it would be.

ATTENTION- To whom it may concern: For prospective employers that are interested in this idea as well as my services (Wheel of Fortune…?!), you may contact me at Numb3r1BelgiumH8er@aol.com.

NBA Lookalikes

May 10, 2012 § Leave a comment

Many people have lookalikes. One time I was told I bear a striking resemblance to John Stamos. OK, it was “You look a little like John Stamos and a lot like Steve Buscemi.” But hey, I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET. Connections are harder to ascertain with some people more than others though. So I got bored and decided to do this. Is Pau Gasol part rooster? Did Chris Bosh come from a family of velociraptors? Is Kenneth Faried a real Na’vi? You be the judge.

Pau Gasol vs. Rooster

Chris Bosh vs. Velociraptor

Al Harrington vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

George Karl vs. Yoda

Kenneth Faried vs. Na’vi

Delonte West vs. Leprechaun

Andre Miller vs. Donkey

Nick Collison vs. Scott Tenorman

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: A friend recently brought to my attention a video that’s been gaining popularity around the interwebs. Before you leave this page and go on with your day, please take a few minutes to appreciate this man’s talent and help him achieve his dream of becoming a superstar rapper. Since rap and basketball go together like crystal meth use and exorbitant dental bills, I felt this was appropriate to include. Dude’s got bars on bars on bars. These are a few of my personal favorites:

  • I’ve made out with so many girls / Made out with every girl in the world / I might look small but I’m not / I don’t care if you’re big, I’ll fight you a lot
  • Plus Beyonce thinks that I’m cute / It’s okay Beyonce I think you’re cute too
  • I had to fight my whole life / I could beat you up even if you had one thousand knives / Even if you had infinity knives / I would punch you up into the air like a kite / I bet you sleep with a night light / ‘Cause you’re scared of the dark / ‘Cause you stink like a fart
  • I have 400 cars / I have 400 scars and 400 guitars / I have 400 houses / I have 400 mouses and 400 houses

In the spirit of dope rhymes, adios for now muchachos, I’m off to eat some nachos. Enjoy.

5 Things About Me, Matt

April 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

Hey here are 5 things about Matt:

 
1) He is resourceful.

  • Although he’s 21 and a junior in college, he still uses his parents’ Netflix and Hulu Plus subscriptions.
  • When he runs out of cream cheese but still has bagels around, he uses the remnants of his oft-abused Nutella spread.
  • Why open 10 individual windows on Firefox when tabs have been available since circa sometime that the Internet has been around?
  • He uses Google and Wikipedia on the daily.
  • He once used the back end of a hammer to alleviate his wrap rage (Look it up on Wikipedia. Also: see point made above).

2) He does extensive research on important political issues before sharing his opinion.

  • He watches CNN.
  • He watches Fox News.
  • He watches MSNBC.
  • He watches Jon Stewart.
  • He watches Stephen Colbert.
  • He watches Bill Maher.
  • (Last 3 he doesn’t watch in a stalker-ey way, but like the news programs they have).
  • He’s been to al-Jazeera’s website on more than one occasion.
  • Books are for fools.

3) He’s mature beyond his years.

  • He studies hard. Long and hard. SO long, and SO hard.
  • He actually goes to class and realizes that class is not simply him having a conversation with the teacher (which most people 2-3 times his age do not seem to realize or even consider).
  • He doesn’t make “your mom” jokes.
  • Sometimes he eats salad.
  • He thinks dubstep is cool for a song or two, but on the whole, is a retarded concept and genre.
  • He feels bad if you try to make him feel bad about using words like “retarded”.
  • Your retarded mom’s a joke.

4) He can relate to commoners and laymen.

  • He hates rollie backpacks, just like you!
  • This one time he bought a round of drinks for his friends at this one bar.
  • He’s polite and says “please” and “thank you” even to lowly serfs and peasants.
  • He doesn’t know proper grammar or punctuation, especially where to put commas, in sentences…?

5) He has his flaws too.

  • He weighs 340 pounds and sometimes he lies.
  • He gets lazy at the end of posts and shortens the number of bullets he uses because fuck it.

A Breakdown of Clay Aiken’s “Invisible” As Seen Through My Eyes. Plus: Tweets That Were Too Long to Post!

April 12, 2012 § Leave a comment

The following is an unfiltered look into my perspectives on Clay Aiken’s hit single “Invisible”. I hope you enjoy it a lot. Or a little. Or not at all. As long as you still read the whole thing, it doesn’t really matter to me to be honest. Also, at the end of this, I’ve included some tweets that were too long to post. Thanks.

Oh-oh-ohh

Oh!

What she doin’ tonight?

Valid question. Normal enough.

I wish I could be a fly on your wall.

This is questionable. Why do you want to be a fly on her wall? Take it easy. Are you creepy in a sexual context or do you simply enjoy girl talk? Lots of other possibilities here.

Are you really alone? Who’s stealing dreams?

Whoa. Excuse me? The thievery of dreams sure is a bold claim. What’s the connection between being alone and having dreams stolen? I have much to learn from you, wise one.

Why can’t I breathe you into my life?

Because life isn’t a fucking fairy tale and that’s impossible. Also, I’m assuming this woman isn’t made of oxygen, nitrogen, water vapor, argon, carbon dioxide and other trace gases. Who knew chemistry would come into this analysis?

(So tell me) What would it take to make you see that I’m alive?

Start off with admitting you’re gay. That’s usually an effective attention grabber. Then maybe introduce yourself. Actually, introduce yourself first. Then tell her you’re gay. That’s probably more natural. Don’t be like “Hey, I’m gay… and my name’s Clay.” Be more like “Hey I’m Clay… and I am also gay.” The second introduction is definitely morganic (more organic) than the first intro, although she might be turned off when you tell her that you’re gay, seeing as you have no interest in her as a compatible sexual partner.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

Wherever this is going, I don’t like it. Hypothetically, if you were invisible though, why waste your time watching someone in their room when you could be doing cool stuff. For example, you could be licking people’s ice cream cones. Or, you could change the song at a bar to Banana Phone by Raffi. One more funny thing you could do is bake a cake at one of your friends’ houses. That one would be funny because they’d probably be like “Oh my God! This is so creepy! There’s a mystery cake in the oven!” But then they’d probably be like “But this cake does smell delicious. And I’m not stuck up enough to pass up free baked goods, so thanks, Mr. phantom baker. OM NOM NOM NOM.”

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight

The fact you have to be invincible to make her yours tonight implies that you might be doing some raping. Most people don’t like rape so personally, I would stay away from the raping. This could also indicate the false feeling of invincibility you’ve gotten from possibly being on a plethora of steroids. Roid rage is hard to control when you’re under the influence of such a cocktail, so I hope this isn’t the case either.

If hearts were unbreakable
And I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man

Pretty sure the ability to tell someone where you stand isn’t an appropriate measure of intelligence, but golly gee, what do I know, I’m just a simple small-town boy from Washington, not some big city slicker like yous is Mr. Aiken.

If I was invisible
Wait, I already am

Oh, shit! Plot twist! Now you should be able to realize your abundance of intelligence and supernatural strength.

Saw your face in the crowd, I call out your name
You don’t hear a sound

The trait of invisibility doesn’t necessarily mean that people can’t hear you. This is a long-standing misconception in popular culture that I’d like to address and eventually eliminate. Consider this my first step towards raising awareness about this critical issue.

I keep tracing your steps, each move that you make

Why do you have to trace her steps? I thought you were invisible? If that’s the case, you should have been following her. Stop losing focus and playing detective to try to catch up Clay. Keep your eye on the prize.

Wish I could read what goes through your mind

This is wishful thinking that most people make at one point or another. I’ll allow it, but watch yourself Aiken.

(Oh baby) Wish you could touch me with the colors of your light

I don’t know what you mean by this, so I’ll pass.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

Once more, there are so many better things you could be doing. Like redirecting the ball in an intense game of water polo. Or perhaps psyching out fishermen that think they have a fish on their line. Maybe even doing quadratic equations on your 2nd grade teacher’s whiteboard. That’d be spooky.

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight
If hearts were unbreakable
And I could just tell you where I stand
I would be the smartest man
If I was invisible
Wait, I already am

This fact is not nearly as surprising this time around. Most of its shock value was lost the first time it was said (what a magician would call its “reveal”).

(I’d make you mine tonight) Invisible
I reach out but you don’t even feel me

You’re invisible. It’s not the same as being a ghost, God damn it! If you’re just invisible, she should be able to feel you. So maybe she did feel you and she’s just ignoring you. She could be ignoring you for a number of factors. One factor could be the aforementioned fact that you’re gay and have no sexual interest in her. Another could be that she thinks you’re really weird because she knows you’ve been following her and hanging out on her wall. Last but not least, she might just be trying to convince herself that she didn’t feel anything since she can’t see you because of said invisibility.

Even when I scream out
Baby, you don’t hear me (you don’t hear me)

Probably because she doesn’t want to hear you because she’s sick of you being a whiny little bitch.

I am nothing without you

This is pathetic man. Pull yourself together. You never even talked to her face-to-face! You were so scared and shy that you begged to be invisible merely so you could be in her presence!

Just a shadow passin’ through
(Invisible, Invisible, Invisible, Invisible)

Isn’t this a line from a My Chemical Romance song? Plagiarism is illegal and a serious, punishable offense that could result in jail time so be careful with what you say dude.

If I was invisible
And I could just watch you in your room

More things that would be better to do if you were invisible: Push kickstands up on bikes and watch the panicked frenzy of their owners. Creepily whisper in peoples’ ears, “I want to dip you in barbeque sauce, my little tender”. Punch Manny Pacquiao in the face. Steal gypsy treasures.

If I was invincible
I’d make you mine tonight

Settle down, incredibly hulky Aiken. Brute strength is not the way to a woman’s heart, unless you are trying to literally dissect it. I don’t know, maybe try buying her flowers or chocolate before you get all Bobby Brown on her. Don’t say that was too soon. Even if it was, you didn’t know Whitney Houston. And if you did, thanks for reading this blog! I feel honored!

If hearts were unbreakable

…which they aren’t.

And I could just tell you where I stand

Do it.

I would be the smartest man

Bold. I’m still gonna have to go with Stephen Hawking or Neil deGrasse Tyson regardless of where you stand, since you’re Clay Aiken and all.

If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)
If I was invisible (I’d make you mine)

Thanks for emphasizing one of the creepiest lines in the song and closing strong. Well played you smooth operator.

And now, for some tweets that were too long to post:

  • My favorite board game is Jumanji. However, my friend, Larry Schmidt, prefers Jewmanji, which is pretty much the same except it’s spelled different because he’s Jewish and I was too lazy to write a punchline.
  • I’m terrified that one day I’m gonna get BLACKOUT DRUNK, tell my friends it’d be a great idea to get a tattoo, go to a tattoo parlor, belligerently say “it’s time to face the facts,” and then mistakenly tell the tattoo artist to tattoo the words “THE FACTS” on my face with arrows pointing to various areas of my face. Then (here’s the kicker), still belligerent, I’ll order a slice of PIZZA when I should really order a SALAD!
  • The next person to tell me that the only prescription for their fever is more cowbell will promptly be prescribed a fiery coronation of burning Sriracha sauce to the eyes and a samurai sword to the cranium.
  • No one told me, but apparently, “There’s just something about you” loses its luster as a good flirtatious line when you follow it with, “And I wanna spew my man goo all over your chitty chitty bang bangs.”

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

March 13, 2012 § Leave a comment

Keep texting him.

My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

March 2, 2012 § Leave a comment

My thoughts on the Republican presidential candidates

Observation 1:

Ron Paul. Looks like Santa’s top elf.
Rick Santorum. Would blow Ronald Reagan given the opportunity in “The Situation Room”.
Mitt Romney. A warm glass of him before bed could put me to sleep for 4 (or 8) years.
Newt Gingrich. He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 2:

Ron Paul. Never trust a man with two first names.
Rick Santorum. More like Rick SanBORE’EM. AM I RIGHT!?
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich. Fatty fatty face gonna stuff his fatty face with cake whether he wins or loses.

Observation 3:

Ron Paul. I bet his hands smell like cabbage.
Rick Santorum. I don’t like his face. Not one bit.
Mitt Romney. Could probably add some serious spice to his personality by simply wearing a monocle.
Newt Gingrich. Probably likes fudge too much.

Observation 4:

Ron Paul. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Rick Santorum. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Mitt Romney. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.
Newt Gingrich. There’s NO WAY this dude can beat Obama.

Observation 5:

Ron Paul. Fuck this guy.
Rick Santorum. Fuck this guy.
Mitt Romney. Fuck this guy.
Newt Gingrich. Fuck this guy.

Observation 6:

Ron Paul. He might be second cousins with Gollum.
Rick Santorum. I seriously hate his face so bad.
Mitt Romney. He’s named after a baseball glove?!
Newt Gingrich: He’s named after a lizard?!

Observation 7:

Ron Paul. Looks like he was born to be a great puppeteer.
Rick Santorum. Has a smile like a goddamn 15-year-old acne-faced nerd posing for pictures at Homecoming with the hottest girl in the school.
Mitt Romney. Has dazzling hair that shimmers in the moonlight. I’ll give him that.
Newt Gingrich. Played basketball as a child solely to develop perfect cookie jar form for thievery.

Observation 8:

Ron Paul. Might be a little too into dragons.
Rick Santorum. Might be a little too into dragons.
Mitt Romney. Probably not into dragons enough.
Newt Gingrich. By the looks of it, definitely way too into dragons.